


Why Lose Hope?

by bearinapotatosack



Series: All the Little Things Seem so Insignificant Now [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, Fever Dreams, Gen, Hallucinations, M/M, Memories, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Reunions, Sickfic, Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country - Freeform, Storms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:01:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28817493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearinapotatosack/pseuds/bearinapotatosack
Summary: Leo's getting dangerously sick and can't be broken from his endless dreams and hallucinations of Jim and Spock.Leonard needs to get him some medication, anything to get him through the dark times ahead.The Enterprise Crew, in both universes, are trying desperately to get their doctor back.~~I would recommend reading Appreciate the Little Things before this just to get a feeling for the universe and world this is set in.
Relationships: James T. Kirk Prime/Leonard "Bones" McCoy Prime/Spock Prime, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Series: All the Little Things Seem so Insignificant Now [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111535
Comments: 17
Kudos: 10





	1. Come back another day

Leonard stepped off the porch and whistled for Carmen, their sheepdog. She ran to him and padded alongside as he walked a few fields over to wear their modest flock stood grazing. 

The wind blew her fur back, took the mushed blades of grass in its gale. Up above the sky darkened, she was preparing a storm. He remembered his Nana telling him that storms came when a change was afoot, so be thankful when the rains finally come.

He didn't understand that for a long time, took it as an old woman's proverb that didn't hold true anymore. But now he understood. Storms meant rain, the rain went to the grass and the crops and the crops gave their yield. 

The sheep trotted along as he brought them closer to the house. Another gale fought against him as he walked, he didn't listen to its cries. 

Leo would be back soon. Today was the main market day when everyone would crowd into the town and sell everything they could. Every other day was also a selling day but there was something about Saturday's that made people more social, even though the traditional working week was long gone.

The wind ran its hand over the wood of the house and scattered the dust off the porch, carrying it as it twirled around him. Its usual playfulness was tainted today. The greyness of the clouds and the oncoming promise of torrential rain making its trickery malicious. 

He closed the gate behind him, checking to see if it was locked, and clicked at Carmen to take the sheep into the barnyard. The cows were in there too, thank god he got them in earlier, he didn't think he had it in him to chase them in a gale. 

With a few gestures, he got them all inside to safety and locked the doors of the barn. They didn't want a repeat of two years ago when they didn't lock the barn doors and half their animals died as they ran afraid. 

The first drops of rain landed on his head. He grinned. All his life he'd loved the rain, sat up as long as he could into the night to watch the patterns of the clouds, the direction the rain fell and the lightning off in the distance. 

A few jingles of the wind chime cried out from the roof. Thunderous claps erupted around him as he outstretched his arms to welcome the natural chaos. 

He called for Carmen to follow as he made his way to the wicker chairs on the porch. She lay at his feet, head in her paws, as he settled back to watch the show.

One bolt of lightning struck to his left, perfectly formed and miles away. He counted, one, two, three, then the thunder came. The charade repeated. A bolt would strike and Leonard would count.

One, two, three. Crash.

A bolt landed on a far off tree

One, two, three. Crash.

One, two. Crash.

One, two. Crash.

Leo should hurry up, storms were good for watching but dangerous to travel in. The horse would be rearing as the sparks flew through the air, closer and closer to their whereabouts. 

One, two. Crash.

One. Crash. 

The thunder got closer to the lightning, which meant the lightning was getting closer to him. 

His heart quickened. Leo needed to get here now. He couldn't be out much longer, the rain would soak him through and he'd be bedridden for days. 

A clatter came round the side of the house and he relaxed, Leo was safe. He watched him undo the reins on Billy, their shire horse, and smack his rump to get him inside the barn. The wagon crashed in too and he sprinted to the porch, soaked through. 

"You need to get outta those clothes and straight in the bath, or you'll be in bed for a good week, at least," 

Leo sighed and scratched Carmen's head, "I know, I--" He stopped and inhaled deeply, then sneezed. "I think I'm already sick,"

"Even more reason for you to get wa--"

A familiar hum filled the yard. Sparkles and beams of light floated in from around them. Their breath caught in both their throats.

"A transporter," They both muttered.

Hazy, translucent figures started forming. Two groups, from two different transporters. A head of gold hair, another with black, then brown on one side, grey and black hair on the other.

Leo ran to them, ran to the figures and yelled. All his cares went away, he didn't care if he was sick, didn't care because they could fix that in a jiffy on the Enterprise. He'd be able to see Chapel again, see M'Benga, see Chekov and Sulu and Scotty and Uhura and most importantly Jim and Spock.

"Jim, Spock!" 

"Jim!"

They continued to yell, bellowing with all their might as they heard the hum disappear and the figures fade. A few flashes of lightning and claps of thunder erupted around them. 

Leo threw his hat on the ground, happy the rain could cover the tears flowing down his face as he hiccuped and sobbed.

"Jim! Spock! Come on, where are you, Jim!" He stepped backwards slightly and swayed from side to side, eventually collapsing to his knees in the mud as carried on yelling. "Don't go, you bastards come back, Jim!"

Leonard pulled him up and made his way to the house with a struggle. Leo tried to fight, yelling all the while, but failed. His breathing turned to panting as his voice trailed off into whispers. 

"We need to get you inside, boy, you're burnin' up, and being out in this storm ain't helpin' you,"

Leo still struggled in the embrace as the humming and lights fully disappeared, "I did-didn't imagine it, I-I ain't hallucinatin', I sw-swear," 

"I know, I saw them too, come one, we need to get you warm and dry," 

He led him inside and pulled his arm over his shoulder, helping him up the stairs where he stripped off and collapsed into the hot water. Images of Jim, Spock and the rest of his friends floated past as he was lulled to sleep slowly.


	2. Tales of long ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew settle down to watch a conversation between the two Leonards during a long wait for repairs.
> 
> ~~
> 
> AOS Universe

Jim ran from the transporter, his crew behind him as he raced to reach the bridge. The transporter itself being broken from the strain of trying to deliver seven people to another universe. 

He slid in his chair and lent forwards as if it would bring him closer to Bones. They'd somehow managed to get an image on the two versions of him in that universe and had been watching them for the entire ten hours he'd been gone. 

It was bittersweet watching him. Bones' smiles were sour and his movements freaked from the weight of the possibility he may never go home. Yet he carried on. He cared for Leonard, for the animals and crops all while telling tales of his universe, his ship all those miles away.

"Scotty, tell me you've got some good news,"

"Well, Captain, it's fixable but it'll take an hour minimum," The pain was obvious in his voice. "The most you could do is watch for the time being,"

"Thank you, Mr Scott," 

He knew what that meant for Bones, another year until he could see anyone he loved again. Although he had spent the entire time with the other Leonard McCoy, perhaps he loved him? Did it count as self-love when it was an alternate version of himself?

It had only been a few seconds for them, but when he looked back at the screen, a week had already passed. Spock had done the calculations, a year for them is an hour on the ship, a month is five minutes and one and a quarter minutes was a week.

Leo, their Bones, was sitting on the porch covered in a blanket. He'd taken ill quickly, they had hypothesised that a planet with worse technology than they had, even regressing before the third world war, would be less equipped to handle severe illnesses. 

Leonard was sitting on the other side of the table with half a scarf hanging off his knitting needles. He was talking about something to do with their farm when Leo broke the calm, coughing and spluttering.

"Here," He handed him a glass of water. "Take a nice long drink and you'll be fine,"

Leo did as he was told and lent back in his chair, face a little paler from the exertion of his remaining energy. The weather had changed rapidly in the time he'd been away, everywhere was blue skies and sunshine.

"How about I give you something to take your mind off things?" Leonard asked, only getting a grunt from Leo. "When did you meet your Jim?"

The crew all turned to face him. Uhura giving an amused glance, Spock something actually questioning and everyone else seemingly on the verge of rolling their eyes.

"When d'you meet yours?"

"It was 2255, I was working on a starbase somewhere, a medicine focused one, and I rush over to see a young man, six years younger than me, trying to escape with an IV line in, bandages on, nasal cannula and osteocalcium cream on his legs. He was also on the verge of passing out and was politely yelling at the guard to let him leave," He looked at Leo. "That was when I met James T. Kirk,"

"Sounds pretty on-brand for him," Jim tried not to be hurt by that statement, even if he knew it was true.

"I saw him pretty much every day for about eight months, he was recovering from a serious injury involving radiation, an explosion and some angry octosquidarians. Became quite a good friend of mine even when he got transferred out of the ICU. He left, of course, everybody did on that starbase, yet we still managed to keep in touch and when he had his ship and needed a CMO, well there was only one man for the job," He said and smiled to himself.

There was something about his age, his grey hair and wrinkles that made his smile more heartfelt. Perhaps it was the knowledge that he'd had more years with his Jim, more loving moments and annoying mishaps. He had nostalgia in his eyes as he sighed and turned to Leo.

"How'd'ya meet your Jim?"

"On a shuttle to Starfleet Academy, I was being forced out of my place in the bathroom-"

"Bathroom?"

"I have aviophobia," He nestled into the blankets further. "Jim's face was covered in blood, he'd been in a fight, and I was kind of drunk and spouted all the ways we could die on the thing and how my wife took everything. Then when we landed I found out he was in the same student apartment as me,"

"He was little shit most of the time, but he's also my best friend and the love of my life," 

He stopped and stared out for a moment. Jim was glad, he couldn't take it anymore. It had only been a few hours without him but he knew it had been so much longer for Bones. 

Part of him wondered while they were waiting for the transporter modifications if he'd even love him anymore. Ten years could change a lot in a person, he would know. He went into town and could've easily fallen in love with a local, but he didn't. He still loved him and he still loved Spock.

Speaking of which, the other Leonard asked their Bones another question, "When did you realise you loved your Spock?"

"You remember how I had to resurrect Jim?"

Leonard nodded.

"Well, with Spock being a scientist in multiple fields, he could help me in making the serum. He took my place when I was on the verge of collapse from fatigue or hunger or emotion, and I ain't told anyone this, but I meditated with him on the little time I had off and it actually helped," 

Jim smiled at Spock at the image of the two. Bones probably complained that it was useless for an overthinker like him or about the sitting positions being too convoluted for his old joints. Spock had suggested they all meditate together, one of the few couple activities Vulcans were known to do. 

"And when Jim woke up and I couldn't handle the pressure of caring for him and the tabloids calling me Dr Frankenstein and the looks from all the other doctors and pharmacists and every other medic in the hospital. So Spock listened as I ranted and cried and-" He stopped and took a few deep breaths. "And I realised, oh shit, I think I'm falling for him,"

"Well, that's very romantic. When did you tell Jim?" 

"There was a mission involving loss, they made us see supposed ghosts of people we lost and Spock was determined to say he wasn't affected. But Jim invited him over and after a few hours of awkward silences and denying the connection we were feeling, we admitted our feelings to each other,"

"How about you?" He said.

"Spock had a thing, a Vulcan thing that meant he had to go home-"

"Pon Farr?"

Leonard nodded, "Things happened, to survive we had to fake Jim's death, Spock didn't know but when he realised he was alive they finally admitted their feelings for each other. Unfortunately for me, I realised I loved the bastards," He carried on knitting with a little more ferocity. "It wasn't until we found a giant space amoeba and Spock won our 'Who's going to sacrifice themselves for the sake of science argument' that I realised I should've told him,"

He chuckled to himself, "Well, we managed to save him, of course, and I took that as a sign and told them they had my heart. And apart from a little bump after the five-year mission, we ain't never looked back,"

Jim and Spock smiled at each other. They'd visited Ambassador Spock and willed him to tell them his stories like children on Pesach. About peaceful Sunday mornings when he'd meditate and they'd secretly watch their Leonard get ready for church. And about many trips to Vulcan where the Ambassador would show them off like trophy husbands.

They could tell he missed his Jim and Bones, a nostalgic look always distant in his eyes and his house filled with the various photos and videos he kept on his PADD when he went through the black hole. 

At the time, they didn't understand what that felt like, to miss someone with every fibre of your soul. But after watching their Bones survive years and years alone without them, they realised how strangely comforting such an ache was.

The screen in front of them sped up as time drifted on. Relative as ever. Jim took a deep breath as Yeoman Rand handed everyone coffee and settled back in his chair for a long few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've managed to put a few headcanons of mine into this, like old married mcspirk's habit of Spock meditating, Bones getting ready for church and Jim smiling goofily as he watches his husband get dressed in his sunday best. Also I made up a few things for TOS Mckirk's meeting but the main idea I got from memory alpha is that Jim got hurt in his pre-captain days and met Bones. I would very much like to see this meeting somehow.
> 
> This fic will get weirder quite quickly and the schedule I think I might go with is one chapter in the farm universe, one in one of the crew's universe's, back to the farm universe and one in the other crew's universe.
> 
> And finally, I added Yeoman Rand! I'm very much in the camp of "I'll add all the recurring characters in tos into aos because someone (JJ Abrams) didn't" so I hope you enjoyed her cameo!


	3. Distant Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo spends an evening trying to find someone, but are they even there at all?

The floor was cold under his feet. Darkness surrounded him, a change from the overwhelming light he'd previously been in. He tried to take a deep breath in but failed, a stuffy congested sound coming out instead. 

Outside the wind was whistling, a branch scratched against the window. The weather was changing dramatically, and with no reason either. It could be the effects of two transporter beams entering the atmosphere twice. Although he was becoming less and less sure that they did beam down to the planet.

 _"Bones,"_ Jim whispered 

He swivelled his head around and felt a twang of pain shoot up his neck to his already pulsing head. Every part of him begged to lie down, and deep down his doctor's brain agreed. But he ignored it to follow the distant voice.

 _"Doctor,"_ Spock's voice echoed from the same place as Jim's.

He'd just been with them, in the white shining place lined with clouds. They'd sat in thrones, doused in cloth, painted symbols of an ancient script he couldn't read on their faces. He could still feel the cold floor under his body as he sat at their feet and let them stroke his hair.

 _"Bones,"_ Jim's voice called from the hall. _"Come to us Bones,"_

His knees creaked when he stood. The papery skin of his feet became drier as he took careful steps across the floor to the door. Every step felt like ten. He started panting by the time he lent on the door frame.

He should get back to bed. Going for midnight strolls was definitely not recommended for someone as sick as he was.

Although, the weather was off for this time of year. Maybe the sky, the atmosphere, was getting sick too and all because of those transporter beams.

_"Leonard, you should join us once more,"_

_"Come on, Bones, we need you,"_

He took the next few steps into the hallway and stopped. Breathing was getting harder and harder the more ground he covered. But he needed to get to them, had to. It was a pure instinct, he needed to get to them. Get back to the white shining place, sit at their feet and be lulled back into the calm he only remembered feeling when he was there.

_"Bones, come to us, we know you can,"_

_"It is just a few more steps, Leonard, I am confident in your ability to walk that far,"_

They had to be there. He couldn't lose them again. The slow rumbling deep in his chest rose but he had no energy to cough it away. Everything he had was going into the next step, and the next and the next as he made his way to the far side of the house. He let the wheezing whistle along the corridors and raised a hand when he heaved over and bellowed a cough as quietly as he could.

A hand brushed against his shoulder, tugging on him to turn around just as Jim and Spock's voices harmonised from the other end of the house.

_"Come to us, we need you,"_

"I'm trying," He panted again as he took a few steps back to follow them. "You two just keep sending me in circles,"

_"Illogical, Doctor, what use would we have in sending you in circles?"_

Leo smiled and crept along the corridor. The sweat dripped down his arm as the voices echoed louder and louder around his head. Another touch stroked his arm, then his neck. A pull on his hair and a blow on his cheek. 

_“Bones, you’re so close, we miss you so much,”_

_“We cannot function properly without your presence, return to us, Leonard,”_

A fuzzy figure in the dark appeared before him, it was about Jim’s height, had his build too. His hand reached towards him as another figure appeared next to him, the exact shape of Spock off in the distance- apart from the shining eyes that glowed like they always did when they were in darkness.

 _“Leonard, come closer,”_ They crooned. _“We’re right here, just a little further,”_

_“We need you, come closer,”_

_“Bones, please,”_

_“Leonard,”_

Their voices grew louder, bouncing off the walls and his pulsing head. He leant closer to the floor, crouching down and covering his ears. The figures hazing more and more, spreading around him until all he could see was darkness. 

_“Bones, why aren’t you joining us? We’ll protect you, come closer,”_

_“Doctor,”_

_“Bones,”_

_“Leonard,”_

He whimpered as he felt his entire body shake. This couldn’t be them, it couldn’t. But what had changed from earlier to make them suddenly not real? Just because it wasn’t something he liked didn’t mean it wasn’t real. He needed them to leave, wanted them to go but also to stay. Because if they went then he knew they were never there and he knew it was all just a hallucination.

They stepped closer. Whispering turned to shouts and hands outreached in love grasped at his clothes and sweat covered skin. 

“Go away, go away, go away go away!” He yelled, tightening his grasp on his hair and losing his worries of waking up the other him as he let all the terror leave him in an almighty scream.

A firm pair of hands pulled him up and shuffled him down the corridor, or what he thought was the corridor. Who was it? These hands felt so real, rough and worn unlike the soft scrapes of his lovers’. He wanted it all to end, wanted to be back where the world was white and sweet and pure. Where he could sit for hours yet only minutes passed just letting them love him in such an innocent way.

The hands gradually faded as he was dragged into a room, was it his? Another figure, with more substance this time, enough that he was at least partially sure was actually in front of him. He hovered around him, sticking something in his mouth and wringing out a cloth over a bowl before slapping it onto his creased forehead.

“You’re burnin’ up, dangerously so,” His voice seemed to float around the room before it entered his head, although it still didn’t register as much as it should’ve. “I think you should sleep in my bed with me tonight,”

He must have made a face because he quickly added, “Only so I can keep an eye on you, can’t have you walking around in the middle of the night again like you just did,” 

The voices had faded away, he realised. A flannel was on his head and dripped trickles of water down his temples, just light enough to trigger his nerves but not heavy enough to warrant a full feeling. The pulsing in his head became more apparent as he lay there sideways on the bed. Tree branches were still scratching on the windows and the wind hadn’t pulled back on its strength.

It was almost like none of that had happened at all.

“Just like I thought,” His alternate self said. “Your fever is far too high, I think some shut-eye will do some good, and some hearty food in the morning, but for now just focus on sleeping,”

His worn fingers pressed down his eyelids as he swung his body under the covers and perched on the end of the bed. He wondered if any of this was happening. It could be a dream, but where was he? He couldn’t remember.

His alternate self was speaking again, but his words had decided to stay away from him for a while. In other words, he wasn’t registering anything he was saying.

The fine skin on his leg prickled with goosebumps as a vague idea popped into his head. He couldn’t catch it and didn’t have the energy to. It seemed to shake the man on the end of the bed, whose hand, which had been gently stroking his ankle, had stopped upon whatever he’d just said. 

More ideas came and went as the wind silenced. His eye drooped heavy and he soon found himself back in the pearly white kingdom, at the feet of his lovers 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted some version fever dream comfort and hallucinations. I will tell what he's sick with in a future chapter but for now you can only guess ;-)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this! Please tell me your thoughts!


	4. How much further?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim struggles to watch his Leonard face hardships.
> 
> ~~ 
> 
> TOS Universe

Jim sighed and took a drink of his coffee that a Yeoman had placed on his chair. The crew's spirits were low, his and Spock's even lower after seeing their Bones struggle for so long with his alternate self. They could practically feel his pain when his alternate had mistaken him for his father.

He didn't want to watch anymore. All he wanted was for Bones to be in his arms so he could wipe away the pain and fatigue. 

Spock was trying to amplify their mental connection across the universes with Uhura's help. He'd managed small glimpses, single words and feelings but his end of the bond was screaming for a rest, which he was now taking. 

On the screen in front of them, their Leonard was still at the end of the bed. He wiped the glistening brow of Leo and dropped it into the small bowl on the floor. 

The lines in his face smoothed as he swung both feet up onto the mattress. He let out a groan as quiet as he dared. It was full and breath. Dense with pain, hollow from loneliness.

"I don't know if I can do this much longer," He whispered. "You're getting so sick and I don't know what to do,"

Tears dropped onto his cheeks, he rubbed his face with his hands. He shook his head in what seemed to be an attempt to dissipate and stop. The tears only flowed harder. 

"This is a whole new universe full of new nasties made from an excess of radiation in its atmosphere," 

He reached out and rubbed Leo's ankle. Leo shifted under the covers onto his front, nestling into the pillow and whining through his nose. It had taken them a while to realise why there was a younger version of Leonard with theirs. Spock was still struggling to understand the implications of his existence, the implications of the two Leonards meeting and if the alternate one would even exist once they’d returned to their Enterprises. 

Their Leonard continued, “You’ve got symptoms of so many different diseases that I don’t know what to do to help ease you,” He shook his head. “I need to take you to town but I’m not sure if that’s a death sentence for ya, you can barely walk around the house let alone survive to trip on a bumpy ol’ road,”

“I don’t know what to do, I wish I had the Enterprise’s equipment, you’d be up and runnin’ in no time,” 

Leonard looked up at the ceiling and a misty look flooded his eyes, “I wonder if they’re watchin’, and if they are, I wonder what they’re sayin’”

With a smile full of sorrow, he lifted his arm towards the sky. His hand shook as more tears fell down his face. He climbed off the bed as his body shuddered more, he dropped his hand to wipe the moisture that clumped his vision. 

Jim urged to reach out to him, he felt that Spock wanted to also. With every scene, their hearts were breaking more and more. The urge to pull him through the screen and hold him close, stop the shaking and the crying was growing uncontrollable.

Just as Leonard reached his room and collapsed into bed, Jim darted up from his seat and turned away. His stinging tears scored his face and he took in great gulps of recycled air. Spock stood up and joined him, simply placing a hand between his shoulder blades. 

Vague images flowed through the bond, like trickles of water out of a leaky tap. Jim could tell he was fatigued, the images he usually sent were vibrant and full of life. These were like amateur paintings, getting the feeling of reality but still staying like mannequins. 

He saw the times when Leonard had cried before when they pulled him onto his lap and shushed him through the quivering pain. The times when Jim collapsed under the weight of all the built-up trauma and Starfleet’s expectations and had to be consoled for hours until he smiled again. He saw the few times when Spock stopped, stopped being productive, stopped thinking and his walls leaked and broke down. 

His tears were always the most painful to see, the product of years of repression erupting in a chaotic explosion that left him empty and non-functional for days. All of his breakdowns were draining for everyone.

But that’s not what he was feeling as he witnessed everything he did. He felt the joy when they laughed again, the comforting feeling of holding someone close under the heavy weight of silence. His mind filled with sparkles and the feeling of a roasting fire and within the few seconds that had passed, his mood lightened again.

They turned and shared a simple Vulcan kiss. The crew giving them sympathetic glances as he returned to his seat on wobbly legs. 

The image was flurrying quickly seconds. His Leonard’s tears had dried and his head lay softly on the pillow. A glimmer of a smile flashed across his face and Jim didn’t need a telepathic connection to tell him what he was dreaming of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a shorter chapter this week but still as good (I hope). Can you tell I've been feeling cuddly this week? All I want is for Bones to be in the middle of a cuddle pile, okay?
> 
> Also, I get really frustrated when Spock uses immense telepathic power (most non-half vulcans can't even use telepathy at all) and the show just say he's fine afterwards like he didn't use loads of energy so I made sure to rectify that.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope this was interesting. This fic will jump between 3 universes so I will specify before the chapter which university we're in. 
> 
> As I said in the previous fic this was me getting a vibe and catching it with a net. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, leave a kudos and a comment if you did!


End file.
